'Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a moron.'
- George Carlin
'You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is.'
- Ellen DeGeneris
'I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.'
- Carol Leifer
'A hotel is a place that keeps the manufacturers of 25-watt bulbs in business.' - Shelley Berman
'Don't spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it back for seventy-five cents.'
- Billiam Coronel
'I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.' - Dave Edison
'Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window.'
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