-My Mother Is A Travel Agent For Guilt Trips
-I Didn't Climb to the Top of the Food Chain to Be a Vegetarian
-College Is Just One Big Party, With a $25,000 Cover Charge
-Growing Old is Inevitable; Growing Up is Optional
-Gravity...It's Not Just a Good Idea. It's the Law.
-If You Want Breakfast In Bed, Sleep In the Kitchen
-I no longer need to punish, deceive or compromise myself.
-Unless, of course, I want to stay employed.
-A good scapegoat is nearly as welcome as a solution to the problem.
-As I let go of my feelings of guilt,
-I can get in touch with my Inner Sociopath.
-I have the power to channel my imagination
-into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia.
-Today, I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than 'I told you so.'
-I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper and complain.
-As I learn the innermost secrets of the people around me, they reward me in many ways to keep me quiet.
-I assume full responsibility for my actions,
-except the ones that are someone else's fault.
-I honor my personality flaws, for without them I would have no personality at all.
-When someone hurts me, forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit. But not nearly as gratifying.
-The first step is to say nice things about myself. The second, to do nice things for myself. The third, to find someone to buy me nice things.
-Who can I blame for my own problems? Give me just a minute... I'll find someone.
-I will find humour in my everyday life by looking for people I can laugh at.
-Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
-Drink until she's cute, but stop before the wedding
-I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week
-Beauty is in the eye of the beerholder
-Don't hit a man with glasses.....Use your fist
-I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol
-I intend to live forever - so far, so good
-The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes
-When everything's going your way, you're driving in the wrong lane
-Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy
-Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you
-If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they 24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case ...coincidence?
-Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire
-When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded
-Excuses and opinions are like butts everyone's got 'em and they all stink.
-Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?
-I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
-Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.
-There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.
Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
-Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.
-Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
-I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
-I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
-If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
-Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb!
-Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
-Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
-Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion.
-When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
-Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
-When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
-Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
-I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
-Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
-I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than 'I told you so.'
-As I learn the innermost secrets of the people around me, they reward me in many ways to keep me quiet.
-Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
-Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
-Hope that it is not your sole purpose in life to simply serve as a warning to others.
-If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.
-If you lend someone £20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
-The word listen contains the same letters as the word silent.
-The difference between ordinary and extraordinary is that little extra.
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